Dissertation? More Like Dissert-NOT Today

 Today, courtesy of mwah (yes, me, the main character), I am proudly reporting live from the Struggle Bus license plate: ABD-999, destination: Doctorhood… eventually.

As I sit here, staring at my dissertation like it’s that one friend who keeps promising they’ll “be there in five minutes,” I can’t help but reflect on how I even got here. When I first started the EdD program, the process was… let’s say “character-building.” I didn’t always have the clearest direction. Sometimes I felt like I’d been left behind while everyone else zipped ahead and magically completed literature reviews, fully defended research papers. But me? Nah.

But guess what?
I still passed the classes.
I still showed up.
I still learned, grew, and survived APA 7, research design, and professors who speak in dissertation riddles.

Now, the only thing standing between me and hearing “Congratulations, Dr. Lubina” is…
well… the dissertation.
That paper.
That mountain of destiny.
That academic beast that MUST be written, but today?
Today my mind and body are in full-on Nope Mode

And so the big question remains, lurking in the background with a dramatic spotlight:
Why am I not cooperating with my own goals?

Is it exhaustion?
Burnout?
Overwhelm?
Or maybe my soul just needs a moment to recharge before I birth this 150-page masterpiece?

Whatever the reason, today I’m choosing to acknowledge it instead of bulldozing through it. The “why” isn’t here to defeat me—it's here to remind me that even future doctors are human. And sometimes humans need snacks, naps, prayer, and maybe a stern talking-to from their inner hype squad.

Tomorrow? I’ll get back on the academic horse.
But today?
Today’s blog from Mwah & Co. is simply telling the truth:

Dissertation: 1
Roscelee: …also 1, because I’m still in the ring.

Dabbling Between the Where, What, and How

 Today, I find myself dabbling between the where, what, and how of life.

Where will God send me a year from now?
What will I be doing a year from now?
How will we be doing life?

I swing between longing for financial freedom and brainstorming different ways to get there—or at least create that possibility for our two kids.

And then I think of Solomon.
Wisdom and wealth? Must’ve been nice.

All this while trying to stay awake between sips of coffee…
and choosing to trust in the sovereignty of God.

When the Impossible Isn’t

There’s this quiet resurgence happening within me.

I grew up in the church. I knew the Bible. I was a good kid—most of the time—and I never really gave my parents trouble while I was in school.

Then came college.

After failing out of nursing school—something I had foolishly assumed would secure my future—I dreamt of flight nursing, of staying single forever, of proudly (and with no small amount of pride) paying back every penny my parents had spent on that expensive education I didn’t complete.

That was not my proudest moment.

In fact, it was the lowest I’d ever felt—lost, aimless, purposeless. A failure.

So, I started dabbling. Maybe social work? I mean, maybe my nursing and science credits could still count, right? Then music—choir, piano, voice, jazz band. I even took theory courses at community college, but quickly realized just how much time, discipline, and practice a music degree demanded. I wasn’t ready for that, either. Eventually, I stopped going to school altogether just to catch my breath. To figure out what came next.

By then, I had already taken out student loans—my dad wasn’t working at the time, and I had to pay for school somehow.

And then... I met Mike through a mutual friend. We eloped. Chaos followed—disappointments from my side of the family, military deployments, living on very little (like, truly poor—training for seminary life, I suppose 😂). We even lived with my parents for a season.

Eventually, I finished my bachelor’s degree, started seminary, moved into seminary housing, worked for twelve years, earned one master’s degree, then another. Now I’m in the dissertation phase. Working at a church.

And now... what?

Which brings me to this moment. In this unexpected season of revival, the Lord has truly blessed us. He’s sent signposts, reminders, whispers that we really don’t need to worry about anything.

Not in this life.

And so, here I am—between the first letter of this paragraph and now—boldly praying for a few things:

• A townhome or condo (though, let’s be honest, everything we’ve seen lately is wildly outside our current budget).

• A return trip to Italy and Switzerland.

• Mike finishing his CPE program and figuring out what’s next—school? job?

These dreams seem impossible to me.

But with Him?

They’re not.